Sunday, January 29, 2006

Jumbled thinking

John Ortberg calls it the 'Honko second'.... I tend to agree, we are a nation that lives in the Fast lane (which incidently still isn't fast enough)... I have lived in this kind of world now for the best/worst part of almost 22 years. Its strange that I've only recently tried writing about this, as its something that is quite often on my mind.

Life goes by far too slowly for me, I want results NOW, I want to see God do something NOW, I want to be sorted in life Now.

Life also goes by far too quickly! My essays are due SOON, my first year will be over SOON, I've got to prepare for Youth Church SOON.

I seem to have the worst of both worlds and what doesn't help is that inside my head is a mass of jumbled thinking. I seem to have both crammed myself with so much 'knowledge' and also lack so much common sense. When I want to say something, generally I can't find the words to say it, or it all comes out totally wrong. I hardly ever THINK before I speak because I want to get my point out asap but I've realised that I can't communicate effectively to anybody if I'm not going to put thoughts behind the things that I say. This isn't the same as when I'm preaching, partly because I have a script with me just in case, and because I've HAD to think about what to say in order to get the message across.

Everyday life though... That's the challenge, thats the big obstacle. How do I not sound like a bumbling buffoon?

Prayer? Therapy?

Who knows, but I don't want to be living a life that is so full of things to say, but never saying them concisely or thoughtfully. Less is more so they say.

My major concern though is just how far I seem to have backslidden since leaving TP. There is no quality in my worship to my God anymore. I hardly pray, I hardly spend anytime in meditation.... I'm just all 'knowledge' and no soul.

And I hate myself for it

No comments: