Monday, September 12, 2005

distortion of reality (c'est la vie)

First off, check out Antony & the Johnsons - mercury prize winners... weird but beautiful vocals and totally over-the-top melodic arrangements... Sweet stuff :)

Just finished watching the Russel Crowe film 'A Beautiful Mind'. It's interesting how one can totally lose grip on reality in such away. Reality becomes distorted in such a way, that whole friendships, experiences, and ways of life are completely conjured up. I can't think what it must be like, and no I'm not going to now link that into a preach about how I'M losing grip on reality, or schizophrenic, because I'm not.... What I am going to say though, is that there is a very large distortion in my life. It's how I look at myself, how I think about myself, how I currently view anything religious and worldly, my take on what the future holds, on what people really think about me, my relationship with girls, my relationship with my father and countless other stuff that would take too long to mention. I'm worried that I'm slipping away from what it means to be me. I'm worried that I'm going to end up making some really stupid mistakes.

Here's verse 2 and 3 to that song:
Looks as though this boat is sinking.
I'm sharp, but I don't feel like thinking.
Why the sudden move against my failing charm?
Optimism feeds the faithful,
Humbles me but makes me graceful.
Stops me making huge mistakes that cause me harm.

Myriads of time surpassing.
Feeble talents need no asking.
Stupid questions haunt the walls
Of broken love within.
Seeing to much life will break me.
Fill me, mould me, tend me, make me
Part of this.... Please begin.

We were made to be together
Death and life, for worse for better.
You could be the one forever
Who I'll always love.

Firstly: What the hell is this?!? Why am I writing such obviously melodromatic stuff? What the heck is going through my mind to make me write about hearts being broken and life that breaks me..... I don't even know that answer. All I do know is that I'm fragile - that I feel like I could rip in to at any given moment.... Maybe the best way to express myself is just to channel it into music. I sure as hell can't talk to anyone about it. I've had far too many conversations about this with others before, and I don't want anyone thinking that I'm just doing this for attention. The reason, I'm typing this is because I'm not saying it face to face with anyone.

Oh yeah, the most important thing. You're probably thinking ' man give it all to God, he'll sort you out'. You know what? . God is real, but at the moment he doesn't 'feel' real.
But I WILL get over this.. I'm merely going through a little emotional trauma right now. Most likely tomorrow, I'll be better, less tired and will put it all down to fatigue. But I when I look back to this post, I need to remember that right now on 12.10am 12/09/05 these emotions hurt. I simply want them to go away. That's all I want Lord....
I don't want words of encourgement, I don't want pep talks, I don't want cards through the post... I want YOUR healing power in my life. Maybe these distortions will NEVER go away, but I will NEVER stop loving you, and I do not want them to have this violent hold over my life. No one deserves this. Maybe not even me....

1 comment:

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