Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Arrrgh! I'm getting totally stressed over uni! I'm not sure if I can cope with all the work.

Only time will tell. At least I get a snazzy N.U.S card.
I met some amazing people too.

Can't be bothered to right lots today. Will do so later on.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

finally some hope!

Well I finally got that magic text message today to say that The salvation army is going to put up the cash to fund my placement for Oasis Course! Whoa, thank you Lord! I can't help but laugh at the fact that I was told the DAY BEFORE I LEAVE to start the induction to my course!

Oh well! That's ace. All I need now is to get the grant from the LEA and my fees are pretty much sorted... Yesss!
I apologise for the few days lapse in blogging, but I 've seriously not had ANYTHING worth to say. Unless you wanted me to list every DVD and TV programme, and CD I've listened to, I thought I'd wait until something interesting cropped up. I don't know what to think or feel about this coming week, except that I'm definitely looking forward to it. It will be so nice to actually do something, and to be somewhere where there are lot's of people around my age, who are wanting to do the kind of things that I want to do. I'm a bit worried that I've secluded myself a bit too much over the past few weeks. I did need this time by myself, but I hope I can get back to actual social behaviour. Only time will tell I guess.

So please think of me as I get up before 6 to jump on a coach which takes me 2 and a half hours up to the golden shores of Leicester. I'm going to be VERY grouchy, I'm totally not a morning person, and so could possibly kill someone just by starting at them. Hopefully not though.

Hopefully the ridiculous melodramatic posts that I've created in the past few weeks will slowly start to disappear as I intergrate myself back into society... But at least you can't say it wasn't entertaining!

Will update in a weeks time (when I'm back)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

don't even ask why i'm posting this...

Bland day, bland surroundings, but I feel better also. I need to get myself a sexy mp3 player or the equivalent in order to get some song clips online for people to hear. I've currently only got some stupid soundrecorder on mircrosoft, which frankly won't cut it at all.
I've had a couple of replies from muso.co.uk from my advertising of band members... not quite ideal as the best response seems to live in guildford..... and the rehearsal space is either there on in Ashford, which seems to be an amazing place, but it's far too expensive to get there by train.. and that's before the rehearsal costs. But we'll see... I'm hoping I'm gonna meet at least one person during my induction week in Leicester, who will be interested in the whole band thing... Here's hoping!
For those who are interesting in the love-life (or lack of) comments I've been posting, I'm now ready to reveal what happened in Nottingham... drum roll...... Stayed with a girl who I really like (really she's so beautiful and wonderfully kind... she's THAT amazing...) over thursday-friday... Things are going a bit crappy for her at the moment, so I thought the last thing she wanted was for me to profess my undying love for her... infact I made a huge effort not too. Instead I simply wanted to spend time with her.. We had a great time, went to various places, went out to Rock city on Thursday night, I met all her friends (who are great by the way) everything's going well, 5mins before we leave, I turn around to see her kissing this guy........


Now get this straight, on no account am I saying that she shouldn't have... It's perfectly normal for a girl to kiss a guy at a club right?
But it still hurt. I'm sure a punch in the face wouldn't have felt much worse... Was that my sign that it just wasn't meant to be?

I don't know... all I can tell you is that at that moment.... It hurt. Especially because I've not allowed myself to be attracted to anyone for a long time now. I've been so hurt in other relationships.. But we're not even IN a relationship! That's the stupid part right? I don't love her, I don't have amazingly strong feelings for her, I just thing she's cool. So it shouldn't have hurt like that....
Its worse that she still keeps txting me, and that she's moving to London (nearby), and that she's most likely not gonna see that guy again... I think the worse part is that it WAS just a casual kiss... she's as human as anyone. It's unfair for me to make her out to be someone that no one can achieve... Nobody's perfect.. thats what happens...
It was just a stupid kiss you moron, so get a grip of yourself....
The prize for hilarious melodrama goes to me....

Monday, September 12, 2005

distortion of reality (c'est la vie)

First off, check out Antony & the Johnsons - mercury prize winners... weird but beautiful vocals and totally over-the-top melodic arrangements... Sweet stuff :)

Just finished watching the Russel Crowe film 'A Beautiful Mind'. It's interesting how one can totally lose grip on reality in such away. Reality becomes distorted in such a way, that whole friendships, experiences, and ways of life are completely conjured up. I can't think what it must be like, and no I'm not going to now link that into a preach about how I'M losing grip on reality, or schizophrenic, because I'm not.... What I am going to say though, is that there is a very large distortion in my life. It's how I look at myself, how I think about myself, how I currently view anything religious and worldly, my take on what the future holds, on what people really think about me, my relationship with girls, my relationship with my father and countless other stuff that would take too long to mention. I'm worried that I'm slipping away from what it means to be me. I'm worried that I'm going to end up making some really stupid mistakes.

Here's verse 2 and 3 to that song:
Looks as though this boat is sinking.
I'm sharp, but I don't feel like thinking.
Why the sudden move against my failing charm?
Optimism feeds the faithful,
Humbles me but makes me graceful.
Stops me making huge mistakes that cause me harm.

Myriads of time surpassing.
Feeble talents need no asking.
Stupid questions haunt the walls
Of broken love within.
Seeing to much life will break me.
Fill me, mould me, tend me, make me
Part of this.... Please begin.

We were made to be together
Death and life, for worse for better.
You could be the one forever
Who I'll always love.

Firstly: What the hell is this?!? Why am I writing such obviously melodromatic stuff? What the heck is going through my mind to make me write about hearts being broken and life that breaks me..... I don't even know that answer. All I do know is that I'm fragile - that I feel like I could rip in to at any given moment.... Maybe the best way to express myself is just to channel it into music. I sure as hell can't talk to anyone about it. I've had far too many conversations about this with others before, and I don't want anyone thinking that I'm just doing this for attention. The reason, I'm typing this is because I'm not saying it face to face with anyone.

Oh yeah, the most important thing. You're probably thinking ' man give it all to God, he'll sort you out'. You know what? . God is real, but at the moment he doesn't 'feel' real.
But I WILL get over this.. I'm merely going through a little emotional trauma right now. Most likely tomorrow, I'll be better, less tired and will put it all down to fatigue. But I when I look back to this post, I need to remember that right now on 12.10am 12/09/05 these emotions hurt. I simply want them to go away. That's all I want Lord....
I don't want words of encourgement, I don't want pep talks, I don't want cards through the post... I want YOUR healing power in my life. Maybe these distortions will NEVER go away, but I will NEVER stop loving you, and I do not want them to have this violent hold over my life. No one deserves this. Maybe not even me....

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Notts Landing

No not the popular TV programme, but I got back from Nottingham Arnold today after a 2day trip.. It's been a weird set of days, I've gone through every single emotion I think is possible. Conclusion:Never put anyone on a pedestal, otherwise you'll just get burnt. Saying that, I did generally have an awesome time, and I'm hoping to see the Notts guys again. They totally rock :)
I'm currently now working on 6 songs; 3 of which started taking form on the Megabus.com to Nottingham... I'm on those writers who seem to flourish when they're a bit messed up, so melodies and lyrics have been coming full flow. Here's such an example:

Please mind your head on the door to
My feelings.
Please hold on tight to my soul.
Think of a way you can cope
Without stealing
Pieces of joy that were whole.

and another:
How can life be sweet and sour?
Bitter sugar coated hours.
Will the thought of you ever reach my heart?
Scars bring happiness and sadness.
Shifting tides result in madness.
How am I supposed to finish what I could not start?
We were made to be together,
Death and life, for worse or better.
You could be the one forever
Who'll I'll always love.


Sunday, September 04, 2005

Right now I feel really emotional. Not sad, but just brimming with emotion. Like I could tear really easily or something. I've realised despite all those plans to get back with God, I've done a pretty rubbish job. I miss you Lord! I miss having that confidence in you. I miss having the reassurance that everything's going to be ok. I miss knowing what it's like to be touched by you.
There is something though, that has awoken after being long dorment within me, and thats a desire to write and perform songs. Songs that connect with people, songs that are bearing the innermost feelings of my soul. I've written 2 this week. I love them both. I really do need to find some people to play them down with. I don't know why I've suddenly gone music mad. I guess I always have been, but never thought I'd be good enough....Maybe I'm still not, but you only live once. I'm going to try and do the impossible and aim to get these songs recorded somehow. I know it sounds like delusions of grandeur, but I have to at least try. I can't believe I'm actually writing this, and I don't know why it's suddenly come out in such a violent explosion.... Having all this time on my hands means I get to think alot...
Is this just my selfish desire to be famous? I dunno... I mean we were watching x-factor and seeing all those dreams smashed.... But then again at the same time I'm probably my own harshest critic, and I know that I wouldn't want to try this unless I really thought I had any possibility of succeeding . Its something only a few people can achieve, but I'm going to try.....
Gosh I can have very crazy thoughts sometimes.....

What a day.....

Oh man, I had one of the worst nights ever! I didn't actually get off to sleep until around 5am... thats ridiculous ain't it?
Part of it was the heat, but I guess it's mainly because of all the crap (mental not literal) bouncing around my head at the moment.
I think the sooner I know for CERTAIN what's happening, the better.

I'm totally rocked by whats been going on in New Orleans.... It's just totally unfathomable, how something so atrocious can happen and how it has ripped lives apart. Everyone is looking for someone to blame, but this time you can't blame such a thing on Al-Quaeda, or terrorism. You can blame your president for not getting there quick enough, you can blame the weather, but you can't prevent it from happening again. That's what's so scary isn't it? The fact that even the world's mightiest nation can't prevent the devastating power of nature. What's even worse is that we just sit on our comfortable sofas and say 'thats a shame' and then change to the channel and erase it out of our sight... But it's not out of sight for those living there. It's not out of mind for the people having to trample through all sorts of crap in the street; for those who can't even bury their families and friends; for the women being sexually abused by the men taking advantage in such dire times; by the child who has to go yet another day without food; for those who can't afford the bus fare out of town. And we sit here and say 'thats a shame' and then reach for our remote. WHAT can we do? What CAN we do? What can WE do? What can we DO?

WE simply CAN.

Friday, September 02, 2005

September (why isn't it Heptember?)

It was my sister (and about 10 other people I know)'s birthday yesterday. I hope she had a great time. I remember what it's like to be 19... it's scary being in the last year of teenagedom, especially as when you thought 18 was when you've finally grown up and now you realise you still haven't! We're going out for a meal tonight to celebrate, so that should be cool as it definitely beats microwave meals...
I had a meeting with Mark and Linda yesterday about what's happening in September, and I'm really happy to say that things are getting underway. Will be expecting some emails soon to confirm whats going on exactly. So good times!
Oh man I also had the best find of all finds today, when I was looking through my album collection and found 'Parachutes' by Coldplay! yessss! I can't believe I didn't realise I had it! I think I bought it a few years ago at HMV for one of those buy 3 for £19.99 deals... Anyway you can guess what I'm listening to right now then! Oh and Joel, if you're reading this, I've visited Play.com (£7.99) LOL.
Oh yeah, and I've finally written my 2nd song. It's called 'Beautiful Way' and it's about a person who's travelled the world, seen what a mess it's in and wants to invite their friend to help clean it up with them. It's about being optimistic, because despite the stupid amount of crappy stuff that goes on, we still have a beautiful world and WE can make a difference if we get off our backsides. I might post the lyrics if I feel brave enough. Need to find a band to play it with now!