Sunday, April 17, 2005

God doesn't seem to like speaking to me at the moment. He who has ears should hear I guess. I know I'm not doing a very good job of speaking to him so I guess thats part of the problem.

I feel as though I'm wrapped and trapped up in a cocoon. I don't want anyone else to get in and I hate having to share my own feelings with them. I hate having to think about the future. I've got the UCAS forms lying on my bedroom floor. I'm too scared to even look at them, let alone fill them in. I don't want to have to think about my life after Timothy. I don't even know if I want to be a Timothy anymore. I'm not going to quit. Of course not. I 'm just so fed up with how empty I'm feeling at the moment.

I've turned in to a classic moaner, my God-life is utter rubbish at the moment. I think I've really made a bad impression with the ALOVE team this year. Not that thats what I'm hear to do, but I just have a feeling that they think I'm an idiot. I'm not an idiot, I've just got far too good at wearing masks. I'm hiding behind some kind of "comedy fool" visage in order to conceal my paranoia, instability, envy and many other weaknesses which I'm too ashamed to admit. I'm 21 now, but I still feel as though people treat me like a 16 year old. I know I only have myself to blame. I'm not really immature at heart, but this continual acting the fool and trying to impress people is making me look like a prize buffoon.

I'm not a very well person at the moment. Not physically I mean, but definitely spiritually. I hope not mentally. I'm not going in to some kind of depression, but I'm currently at a low ebb.

Even now, as this year draws to a close, why do I think that I'm destined for 'great things'? It's almost like I believe that God has appointed me to be some kind of special leader or something. Thats just plain arrogance. I know now that I'm no leader. I don't have any decent leadership qualities. I may be able to occasionally speak to people on their own wavelength, but I don't genuinely believe anybody would see me as leadership material. I used to, but after this year I don't any more.

In fact, I used to think I was a people person, but I don't think so anymore. Maybe I do need to get away and study. I'll probably be better at reading books, then spending time with people.

I know you're there God. I know I'm not alone. How long must I wait for you to act? How long until you wake up and shake me up? How long until you fulfil your promises and show me the plans you have for me?

I've spent far too long wanting to be the next Phil Wall or Russ Rook. I want to be Craig Gaudion. Whatever it is you have in store please tell me! I'm sick of waiting! I'm desperate to see you come and fill me with new life and energy and breath.