Thursday, March 31, 2005

Selfish is as selfish does

Firstly, can I say that I know that I am selfish. I know that this is a weakness of mine. I know that I need to ask God for his forgiveness. I'm partly writing this entry to get rid of my frustration, so that by the time I am embarking on this particular adventure I will have got over it!!

Oh boy, as if I'm not being challenged already with a lot of stuff, the next thing that I have to bite my tongue at is that I've been put on the "Create" team for Shocking..... I don't really know what to say. Maybe I'm constantly giving off the wrong signals as to what I'm passionate about or good at - first at the youth rally where I was put down for hospitality. Ok that I dealt with, and saw it as an opportunity to do something different. Now instead of doing the regular pastoral stuff at the big top, I've been put down to do "creative stuff", like poetry, painting, sculpting - all the stuff I absolutely have no desire to do..... I just don't know whats going on anymore.....

Right well you know what? I'm just going to go with it and wait for God to totally smash my pre-conceptions. I'm writing this entry, so when I look back after the experience I can say:
"Man I'm glad I did "Create" after all. I was totally blown away with how God used me and blessed me!" At the moment I'm feeling quite down about this. I really do hope that God shows me up on this. Lord please prove me wrong. I so want to be!!

I guess this is another area that I have to get out of my comfort zone. I've had a really wonderful past 2years of being on the big top staff... I've really enjoyed being a Cell leader. God has really spoken to me and through me in very powerful ways.... I was really looking forward to doing it all again... But someone is saying "No" this time. It's actually really uncomfortable and quite irritating. I have absolutely no idea if this thing is going to be a flop or not. I hope it's successful, I'll be praying that the Holy Spirit descends upon us all in an amazing away. I pray that we'll receive a fresh encounter with the Lord of life.

I hope that I'm going to be able to look back on my graduation night and beyond when I'm giving my testimony and say:
"Man there were some tough challenges this year... there were times when I resented decisions that were made, but boy did God totally humble me!" I must say that this has happened many times already. I hope it happens again because I'm a total loser to be so selfish.

Lord create in me a clean heart. Unseal my lips so that I may praise you and thank you for such wonderful opportunities to disciple your children.

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