Ok, time for some honesty.
I feel like something is seriously not right at the moment. There's something weird going on in my life that I can't quite put a finger on. I'm constantly grappling with my issues regarding my future.... Oasis? Cliff college? officership? overseas work? other?
I just don't know what I feel anymore. I don't know if I want to do youthwork because that's simply the automatic choice of a young person. I do have a passion for youth ministry, but is it enough to actually devote my life to being a youth worker? Could I cut it? At the moment I very much doubt it.
I'm still trying to get to grasps with what exactly effective youth work "looks like" Am I spending too much time with some people than others? How do I engage in conversation with football mad teens when I have no love for the sport myself?? What is it about Jesus or the church that is attracting them to attend anyway? How do I go about ensuring they have a clear understanding of what faith is and the what the gospel is about??
Yeah I'm sure it's about "trust" and "prayer" and "reading your bible daily etc... but I think thats a ridiculously primitive answer when you're trying to put it into practice..... "Welcome to the world of leadership" I hear some of my readers cry out.
Let's go over some of the things I know without a doubt that I both want and feel anointed to do:
1) Preach the gospel - Cautiously staying away from street corners... I have yet to meet or heard about anyone who preaches in this fashion effectively (In this century anyway). If it was condoned by people who I regard as great speakers, then I would be all for it... Gosh does that sound like I'm disagreeing with Scripture??? Hmm maybe I am being heretical.. I definitely see its use in the times where literacy was rubbish amongst the people of 1st century palestine, and even the early days of the salvation army... Yeah it worked... Wesley, Whitfield, Booth.. Yes I salute you. Maybe if it was used in the context of an open-air service... again though, I have to question this.. I just don't think it's an effective way of sharing the gospel in the Upper Norwood area.. that is my first priority obviously at the moment.
Anyway, preaching has other forms of course; church services, events, conferences, youth group meetings and so on. I see it as part of the package of a corporate worship time together: ie where people get together to celebrate, praise, revere, question, discuss, learn, discover Jesus and His good news.
I cannot explain why, but this desire burns within and through me. I must tell people about Jesus, I must teach his ways, I must get to grips with what scripture says, about what experience says, and what God is continually saying through countless ways and share this with other people. I believe God is equipping me to use this in my ministry. In what way shape or form I do not know. It's always nice to think big, but that is incredibly dangerous. I will not raise myself above my calling despite whatever skills or gifts I "believe" I have. Local settings must be my priority. I would hate to be destroyed by an ungodly desire to something which I am simply not called to do.
2) Discipling - I desperately want to be a positive influence on the people that I meet everyday. I want to be an effective discipler and help people along their spiritual journey. I want to be a man of wisdom and one whom God speaks through in order to encourage his children and empower them in their faith.
Reading back on that last paragraph, something has just struck me. I used the words "I want" at least 3 times.... Is that what God wants of me??
In fact am I finally coming to the answer to the question which I posed at the very beginning.... How much does My Wanting correlate to God's Anointing? How much of this is simply me and how much is God? Maybe this is the answer, but terribly this is also leads me right back to where I started: Big Question...
What is it exactly that God is calling me on to do??? Now I'm not so sure...
My prayer then is this: Lord strip away all that is from me and reveal to me your perfect will. In Jesus name, amen.